These similes abuse the English language like dogs/ballerinas abuse a fire hydrant. My favourites include:

2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.

7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

16. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

25. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

This sounds like Jose Canseco.

47. The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.